March 30, 2012

Five Minute Friday - Gift

  


With age comes many things.  My mind immediately thinks of wrinkles, larger hips, forgetfullness.

But it also comes with a growing awareness of the subtly of life.  

The beauty of the simple days.

The realization that love is our greatest strength.

The understanding that the best gifts are those which don't arrive wrapped up in a neat package. 

It's a sleepless night because only Mama could soothe a little girl's hurts.

It's the pain of labor that births your beautiful child after hours of struggle.

It's the touch of your baby's hand resting against your chest as she sleeps, content only because she is held in your tired and aching arms.

It's reading aloud the same book over and over after a long day of work when you'd rather take a moment to breathe in the silence.

It's the endless dinner preparations with little hands insisting on helping.

It's the newborn who refuses to be put down and wants to nurse constantly.

It's getting up with the birds every day after a long night filled with wakings.

It's changing messy diapers, years of answering cries in the night, rushing through showers, going to the bathroom with an audience, and kissing owies.

It's preparing bottles, wiping spitup, patiently sitting by during temper tantrums, offering hugs even when you are angry, cleaning runny noses, and holding sticky hands in the parking lot.

None of these feels like a gift at the time.  They are a burden and an inconvenience, moments to endure between the truly beautiful ones filled with laughter and playing pretend.

It's in these moments that motherhood is a gift.  

Not to us.  Our gifts are those beautiful moments.

In these trying moments, motherhood is our gift to our children.

It's in these circumstances, these frustrating, tiring, seemingly insignificant times, that our children need us mothers the most.

Gifts are not always wrapped in a pretty package.  They sometimes come in the form of a woman with wet hair, tired eyes, and wrapped in a worn bathrobe.

And that is often the greatest gift of all.





March 28, 2012

Wordless Wednesday - Baby Photo Session

It's impossible for me to believe my little Livie is two months old already.   It is cliche, but I have to say it: where did the time go?

On her actual two month birthday this weekend, she was sick with a cold and in no mood for photos.  I put her in her cute outfit and attempted it, but it lasted all of 30 seconds.  She spit up 30 seconds after that, so the cute outfit I wanted her in for her photos was not to be.  This session ended up being completely impromptu, actually.  Tuesday morning found her happy, fed, awake, and her and I all alone.

It was like finding a unicorn.  Cue crazy photographer mama.

I'm far from being even an amateur photographer, and it's not easy to take pictures of a wiggling, squirmy baby who just won't look where you want or smile when you click.  But I think these turned out better than month one.




















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March 26, 2012

Ten Reasons I Don't Have a Top Ten Tuesday Post

I fully planned to post a great Top Ten on adoption, but it's just not complete.  It's been that kind of a Monday.  The kind that makes you break out in a Bangles song... These are the days when you wish your bed was already made.

By the way, I totally couldn't resist making that a link to the Kids Incorporated cover of the song.  Did anyone else want to be Stacy Ferguson as a little girl?  Before she was Fergie, I mean.

So I stole an idea from myself to make a list explaining why I have no list.  Completely unoriginal, I know.  But since I'm stealing the idea from myself, at one time it was original.

Top Ten Reasons I Don't Have a Top Ten Tuesday Post



10.  Most of my writing time has been devoted to Our Adoption Story.  If you haven't been reading it, you can start here.

9.  For a Monday, there was a crazy amount of traffic on my way home from work.  Traffic is inevitable where I live, but it makes me no less grouchy.  Mondays are usually not bad traffic days.  That is reserved for Fridays.

And days when I want to be home.  Which was apparently today.  

It is so hard to be inspired when you are grouchy.


8.  I have a new employee at work.  Which should be a "Yay!"  But it's so much work to train someone new.  I need the help, but I'm too busy to train the help.  It's a vicious circle.

If I could figure out a way to clone myself, it would be so much simpler than training a new person.

Of course, if I could clone myself, I'd be rich and wouldn't be at my job anyway.

So I guess that would solve a whole lot more problems than just training a new employee.  


7.  I spent quite some time playing with this little girl, who has become very alert and observant over the past week.


 

6.  I spent time getting this silly little girl to sleep tonight.




And then when she fell asleep, I held her an extra twenty minutes longer just because I wanted to hold her.  

I love those times.  The heavy weight of her in my arms, her peaceful breathing, and knowing that this time is oh, so achingly brief!


5.  I got caught up watching The Voice, which is infinitely better than American Idol.  That last battle duet between Tony and Justin was amazing.  I loved them both and never could have picked.  

Does anyone else find themselves loving Cee Lo more and more?  When he cried (not once, but twice!) tonight because he was so moved by the songs, he sealed the deal for me as my favorite judge.  I was on the fence about the whole silk pajamas thing (a little too Hefner for me), but a man in touch with his emotions and not afraid to show it gets me every time.

Although he did make me angry by pairing Justin and Tony against each other.  Darn it, Cee Lo!  Why'd you do it, man?


4.  I wasted precious minutes pondering why the producers of The Voice didn't have the judges change their clothes between battle rounds.  We've seen them in the same clothes for four weeks now, which is just inexcusable.  Vanna White and Pat Sajak can film a week's worth of show's in one day and find time to change in between to keep up public perception of the events being spaced further apart.  So can these guys. 

And why, for the love of all that is fashion, would Adam pick that ridiculous sweater to wear for four weeks straight?  Admittedly, I was so distracted by Christina's odd hat that it took me three weeks to really notice Adam's Mr Rogers inspired ensemble, but still.


3.  I'm really, really tired.  And I broke the cardinal mom rule and stayed awake while my baby was sleeping.  It's hard, though, to be creative about ten things when you're sleepy.


2.  I couldn't put this little love down after getting her to sleep.


I'm a big believer in holding my babies while I can.  


1. And that's all she wrote.  Number 1 is I'm headed to bed, so there's no more time to devote to creative endeavors outside of my dreams.  Although I do have startlingly realistic and terribly interesting dreams which would probably make fascinating blog posts.  

But that's for another day.
Top Ten Tuesday at Many Little Blessings

Our Adoption Story: Meeting the Parents


I loved my child more than words can explain, and I still do. I believe my love for him was the first real love I’d ever felt, because it was completely selfless... 
Had I loved him any less—one ounce less—he would be with me now! 
My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart. I didn’t just feel love; I did what love dictated. 





Have you ever been on a first date?  You know that jittery feeling in your stomach, the wondering if this will work out, if the other person will like you?  Now imagine going on a blind first date, which some of you may have done.  All of those feelings are magnified.

Now imagine going on a blind first date with a couple whose baby you are hoping to adopt.

The emotions are insanely intense.  On both sides.

I feel that I've been quite open with our story to this point, sharing our emotions and exactly what happened.  This is where things are going to get a bit hazy.  Almost like in Harry Potter (Spoiler Alert for the three people in the free world who haven't read the books or seen the movies) when Professor Slughorn messes with his own memory of Tom Riddle asking about horcruxes.

It's not my lack of willingness to tell the truth, but rather that I deeply respect the privacy of Olivia's first parents and will not be sharing any details regarding their personal story or their decision to place Olivia for adoption.  Hence, the moments of haziness in my telling once they enter our lives.  I hope you will understand and respect that choice.

Just to recap our crazy timeline, it was a Friday night in late January that our friend told us about Olivia's birth parents and their interest in adoption.  That Sunday, I sent a letter and pictures to the birth parents through this friend.  On Monday, I received an email from the mother saying they would like us to adopt Olivia.

This whirlwind brings us to Tuesday night and dinner with the parents.

Dan left work early and drove home to pick up Paityn, then came back to meet me.  We were running a bit late (This is so typical of us, and I'd love to blame it on traffic or having children or some other almost reasonable excuse, but I can't.  It's just us.) and when we arrived at the restaurant, the parents were already there.

The place was insanely crowded, and I hadn't made reservations.  My thinking had been, "Who needs reservations on a Tuesday night at 6pm?"  Think again.

I was rattled, they were gracious, and Dan suggested Red Robin.

Not exactly what I had pictured, but it was food and not a long line.

Paityn was thrilled because there was a person dressed as Red Robin when we walked in the door.  My daughter loves anything in costume- the Easter Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus... Red Robin.  She's initially as shy as can be around new people, but if you are wearing a ridiculous costume, then you can fully expect her to laugh, chatter, dance, hug, and generally adore you.

How I loved and appreciated having Paityn along!  My little sunshine.  She broke the ice for all of us.  Or maybe just for me- I'm intensely shy.  I know exactly where my daughter gets it from.

It wasn't even halfway through dinner before I was completely taken with the parents.  There isn't a single positive trait that I can't apply to them: sweet, polite, considerate, caring, intelligent, mature.  They are truly wonderful people.

Towards the end of dinner, they both said they liked us (we are still trying to figure exactly why) and Paityn (no question why on that one) and wanted us to adopt the baby. 

This has been a difficult post to write.  There's so much more to this part of the story, but you will have to fill in those spaces with your imagination.

We walked away that night excited and eager.  But we were also at the beginning of the difficult part of adoption, one that we hadn't anticipated.  We really, truly liked the parents, and our hearts broke for the difficult decision they were making.  Again, no specifics, but it was not a decision made lightly or easily.

Honestly, I wanted to change their circumstances for them.  I still wish that I could have.  Adoption is not, I think, the best choice.  It's simply a choice.  And one that must sometimes be made depending on difficult life circumstances.

Having given birth myself, I know the rush of love that comes with setting your eyes on your child for the first time.  I know that holding a baby in your arms instead of your tummy turns a dream into a reality. 

I was not worried that the parents might change their minds (although we accepted that fear) but that they didn't understand the depths of emotion they would feel when it happened.

I deeply resent the people who have said, about parents, "I can't imagine ever giving away my child."  

The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine.  The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go.  This instinct isn't really the love itself but rather our own heart's selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.  

But first parents can often understand that truly loving someone can sometimes mean letting go.  It can sometimes mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.

It is utter selflessness.  It is true courage.  It is pure love.

Olivia's first parents understand love, possibly a deeper and greater version of it then most of us will ever realize.


Continue reading: Our Adoption Story: All along I believed I would find you...

Please stop back for the rest of our adoption story.  If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email or Reader.  It's easy!  Just enter your email address in the upper left for "Raising Paityn by Email"  or click "Subscribe with Reader."

If you would like to read a first mother's story, this is one that touched my heart.



Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?  

March 22, 2012

Our Adoption Story: Chosen to be parents


We witness a miracle every time a child enters into life.  But those who make their journey home across time and miles, growing within the hearts of those who wait to love them, are carried on the wings of destiny and placed among us by God's very own hands.
~ Kristi Larson

Courtesy


After our long weekend of waiting, I was so anxious by Monday morning that I couldn't think straight.  

I was almost to work when my phone beeped to indicate a new email.  Since I was at a long stoplight, I chanced a look to satisfy my eagerness.  My heart jumped into my throat then started beating madly.  This was it.  The email.

It was only two more minutes to get to my office parking lot, but I couldn't wait that long.  I pulled over to the side and put on my blinkers.

Hands shaking, I read the email.    

... have decided that we want your family to take our baby...

Again, words fail me.  I cannot begin to convey the flood of emotions that poured over me when I read those words.  

...would love to get together with the both of you to meet... 

I have had this feeling twice before in my life.  Both times, I was staring down at a positive pregnancy test.  It's the feeling of utter disbelief mixed with the greatest feeling of pure joy and anticipation.

I texted Dan (who works with me) to meet me in the parking lot.  When he replied with a "Why?" I told him again to come out to meet me.

I pulled into a parking spot as he walked out.  He knew from the look on my face, but I said the words anyway.  "You're going to be a daddy again." We hugged and laughed and stood there in the parking lot.  

Just as we had celebrated each pregnancy.  Just as we had celebrated Paityn's birth.

Adoption is a different path towards having a family.  But we discovered that the elation and joy of being matched with a baby is the same finding out you are pregnant, at least for us.  Your heart still beats with excitement.

As soon as I had my computer turned on, I sent a reply back to the mother.

I cannot tell you how excited Dan and I were to receive your email.  

The rest of the day was filled with calling the adoption agency we had started with and figuring out what we had to do.  To say that I caught the agency workers off guard is putting it mildly.  I talked at length with one of the directors.  She was quite hesitant about the situation and cautioned me over and over that we might be headed for heartbreak. 

I think therein lies one of the major fears of adoption: giving away your heart before the child is yours to call your own.

Dan and I talked, and we decided that love is always a risk.  I had loved our first child the minute I knew I was pregnant, and I lost her.  The heartache of that loss will always be with me.  But so goes love; we never know when our hearts might break because we choose to open them up to someone else.  

But closing off our hearts because we fear great heartache removes the possibility for great love.  I remember I was so scared to be excited about being pregnant with Paityn, frightened I would lose her.  Had I clung to that fear through my pregnancy, I would have robbed myself of so much joy.

So, we chose to move ahead, knowing the risks.  We recognized quite clearly that the decision made should be the one that was best for the baby, and that might not mean us.  It might mean staying with the parents. 

The adoption process involves an immense load of paperwork.  If you recall, we were very early in the process and hadn't completed our homestudy yet.  We needed to complete in a matter of days what typically takes several months.  That very day, we filled out several pages of documentation and had our fingerprints taken.  I scheduled the first of our home visits and sent an email to my boss alerting her that I might be taking a leave of absence quite soon.

And I arranged to meet the parents for dinner the following night.

I was filled with anxiety, worried that they would meet us and immediately change their minds.  We had some general understanding of the reasons behind their decision to place their child for adoption, and it did not seem like the decision would change.  But choosing us might change.

Maybe I would say the wrong thing and offend them.  It's so easy for my words to get ahead of my brain, especially when I'm nervous.  Maybe they wouldn't get Dan's sense of humor.  Sometimes, people can take what he says too seriously and misunderstand.  Maybe they wouldn't like how we parent Paityn.  We practice more gentle parenting, which many people (wrongly) interpret as permissive.  What if they decided we were too old or too young or too... wrong?

I had to believe.  I had to believe we were meant to find each other.  That these circumstances were too incredible to not be for a purpose.  If they decided adoption was right for their child, I had to believe we were the right people, the best second choice.

Continue reading: Our Adoption Story:  Meeting the Parents


Please stop back for the rest of our adoption story.  If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email or Reader.  It's easy!  Just enter your email address in the upper left for "Raising Paityn by Email"  or click "Subscribe with Reader."



Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?  
 

March 21, 2012

{Sort of} Wordless Wednesday - Playing Catch Up

I thought I'd take this Wordless Wednesday to catch you up a bit since I took a break from blogging for those few weeks.  

So here are some random pictures taken during my absence.



Paityn was supposed to be sharing the ice cream cone with Papa, but Dan is the biggest pushover and let her eat most of it.  What would be disastrous for most kids' bedtimes didn't faze my daughter, though, since she has declared herself nap-free.   She now goes to bed around 7:30 pm and it takes me about 30 seconds to put her to sleep.

March 19, 2012

Our Adoption Story: Could this be our baby?


Sometimes, an ordinary night can bring an extraordinary moment that you never forget.

Courtesy of Etsy shop, Letterpress Art Prints


In late January, we were having an ordinary night when one phone call from a friend changed our lives. (Dan now calls her his favorite person and literally will do anything for her!)  She told me that she had met a woman who was looking to place her baby with an adoptive family.  The baby was due any day.  My friend mentioned that she knew a nice family looking to adopt, and she and the father had expressed interest in hearing from us.

My heart was beating wildly, and Dan, who could only hear my side of the conversation, was on the edge of the couch saying, "Wait, what?  What are you talking about?  What's going on?"

I heard myself saying, "Of course we are interested.  I can write a letter up right away and send you some pictures to pass on to them.  I'll get it to you tomorrow."

If I could find words to express the flood of emotions I felt as I hung up the phone, I would be a much better writer than I am.  I felt the butterflies of anticipation and hope fill my stomach and fly into my heart.

Tripping over myself in my excitement, I relayed the conversation to Dan.  We exchanged elated comments and questions in between words of necessary caution.

"It's a good thing we already have a ton of baby stuff.  We'll be mostly set."

"Can you imagine if we had a baby this time next week?"

"Of course, it might not happen."

"Definitely.  We don't know."

I sat up late into the night writing our letter.  This was something I had long dreaded doing.  Writing is my passion, but how to write to someone in this situation was beyond my abilities.  How was I to find the right balance between sympathy for their decision and talking about our family and how we would include their child in our lives?   I hesitated.  I typed and deleted and typed and deleted some more.

Finally, I took a breath and told myself to write the way I always have: straight from my heart.

Hello,
It’s impossible for us to understand what you are facing and the decisions you must make.  We hope that you have support as you travel this road, and please know you are in our thoughts and prayers.  We deeply appreciate you taking time to get to know us a little better through this letter.  

And then I just wrote about us.  Our little family and how we have all been hoping for a fourth to join us.  

I sent on several pictures, as well.  This one was taken at Disneyland when we went for Paityn's first birthday.  I stared at it, picturing a second child there, too, on his or her first birthday.  I saw Mama and Papa and big sister Paityn all crowded around a small little one celebrating the milestone. 




I told myself not to do it, that the odds of this working out were too small, but I couldn't help it.  My heart had already sailed away and was falling in love with this unknown baby, the one I hoped was the child I had always known we would find someday.

We didn't know much about the couple, but we knew a little bit.  My heart hurt for them.  As I wrote the letter, I prayed for them, and that they would come to the decision that was right and best for all three of them.  Not for us.  But for them.

Still, a lot of hope was sent with that letter and pictures. 

Continue reading Our Adoption Story: Chosen to be Parents

Please stop back for the rest of our adoption story.  If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email or Reader.  It's easy!  Just enter your email address in the upper left for "Raising Paityn by Email"  or click "Subscribe with Reader."



Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?  


March 15, 2012

Favorite Posts Page is now up!

Have extra time on your hands?  Feeling a wee bit bored?

I've updated my Favorite Posts page to include some of my... favorite posts.  I'm at a loss for a snazzier way of saying that one.  The title itself pretty much gives it away.

Anywhoo, feel free to browse and peruse and get all caught up in the blogginess that is Raising Paityn.

(Not to fear, Olivia, Mama is working on thinking up a new blog name.)

Our Adoption Story: Lost in a sea of paperwork

Courtesy

Once we started down the path of adoption, we were overwhelmed by all that is involved in the process.  There's looking for the right agency, going to introductory meetings, reviewing materials, and answering pages of questions in order to get a homestudy started.  All of that happens before you are even put on the list of waiting families, and then there's even more paperwork and meetings.

It was overwhelming, and we faltered along the way to completing all our paperwork.  Months passed and we still hadn't submitted for our homestudy.

The agency we found required us to attend five weeknight classes held in San Francisco, which was next to impossible for us to do.  I put us on the list for an all day class, which the agency holds once or twice a year.  The classes are a California state requirement for adoption, so we knew we would have to take them.

At the beginning of December, a day-long class was finally scheduled.  By this time, our paperwork was almost ready for our homestudy.  Early one Sunday morning, we dropped Paityn off for the day at a friend's house and started the long drive to Sacramento.

We anticipated this being a formality, and Dan was rather dreading a day of sitting through  monotonous and bureaucratic rigmarole.  Our actual experience was quite different, though.  

We listened to the stories of two first mothers (this is the term I prefer to use to the more commonly known "birth mother") and two adoptive families and had a chance to talk to them at length.  So many of our questions were answered.  We came away with a more secure understanding of what was ahead. 

Dan and I agreed that the most valuable part of the day was hearing from the first mothers.  We also agreed that it was the most difficult.  While adoptive parents are usually open about their stories, first parents bear a hidden pain that is not often discussed.  My heart broke for them, and I shed more than a few tears.  I thought about how this adoption would be so different from Paityn's birth.  There would be happiness and sadness mixed all together.

I had no way of knowing that at that very moment, Olivia's mother was closing in on her eighth month of pregnancy.

Continue reading Our Adoption Story: Could this be our baby?


Please stop back for the rest of our adoption story.  If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email.  It's easy!  Just enter your email address in the upper left "Raising Paityn by Email."

Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?  

March 14, 2012

Wordless (Not So Much) Wednesday - What Not to Wear Candidate?

I love the show What Not to Wear.  

But I loved it a whole lot more before I became a mom and committed quite a few of the fashion sins Stacy and Clinton (who I just adore) preach against.

My ten year high school reunion has come and gone.  As has my five year college reunion.  So I will allow you to make some assumptions about my age.

These were my shoes when I ran to the store after work on Monday.


I must admit, with a blush, that they were paired with a Gap t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie (still one of my absolute favorite types of clothing, despite my age) that might have seen better days.  My hair was in a messy bun and I'm not sure of the last time I really brushed it or even blowdryed it.  Before my daughter was born, for sure.

I'd like to think my Coach purse classed the whole thing up, but I think that's a rather dubious hope. 

I'm starting to feel more and more like a candidate for my favorite show.  I have a sneaking suspicion that Stacy and Clinton would throw out almost everything I own.

But then I have days like today when I feel there is hope for me yet.


See, cute, right?  Oh, and don't mistake the glare of the flash on my office window for some California sunshine.  It's gloomy and rainy and bummy here, which only makes me want to exchange my All Stars for my cozy Uggs.  Which I suspect isn't the greatest of improvements.

Someday, my wardrobe won't be governed by tops that must be nursing friendly, shoes that must allow me to carry a toddler up and down the hills at the zoo, and the total and complete inability to spend more than ten minutes in a clothing store without chasing round a rambunctious little girl or babywearing a sleeping daughter.

When that day comes, I'll haul myself off to the mall and stage my own fashion intervention.  Until then, I humbly ask the apology of all the mommy participants in this show for not understanding how utterly and completely impossible it is to worry about fashion when you have little ones running around.

And I'll take comfort in how well-dressed my children are.  Even when I'm not.


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March 13, 2012

What we leave behind: An obituary of the heart


I've had the sad opportunity to ponder how the older we get, the more often we are required to come to grips with death.  Sunday afternoon, I was nonchalantly perusing Facebook when I read of the death of a dear family friend who had been battling cancer.  

After the first breath of grief, I clicked over to read his obituary.  In stark black and white, it attempted to encapsulate an entire life into a few factual statements.

I was struck by how much was missing from the attempt.

I wondered how it is that it comes down to this- a brief statement of acknowledgement of our lives when we die. 

But Mr E's life was so much more than that.  




Mr E was a fixture in my little neighborhood when I was growing up.  He knew everyone and everyone knew him.  I will never be able to recall the beautiful summer evenings of my childhood without seeing him walking around the Circle, listening to his walkman, and waving to me each time he passed by.  

His obituary didn't say anything about how he always paid attention to a shy little girl and was one of the few adults she wasn't scared to talk with.

It failed to mention how he would always deliver his wife's (one of my earliest babysitters) delicious fudge to the neighbors at Christmas.  Or how he'd tease and joke with me and my sister when we delivered our mom's Christmas cookies to his doorstep.

They wrote of his volunteer work with the Berlin Airlift Historical Foundation, but they didn't capture his passion.  They didn't share how he was at every airshow my own father dragged took us to when I was little.  Mr E loved those old planes.

There was nothing in it about how he'd snowblow our driveway in the winter when he knew that my dad was away on business trips.

They forgot to mention the big bear hugs that he'd give you when he said goodbye.  The last one I received was at my wedding.

They neglected to say how very much Mr E loved his family, his wife and children and grandchildren.  And how loved he was in return.  They wrote the names, but they didn't write of the grief, the tears, the ache of loss.

I thought of all these things; I ran through so many moments in my mind.  I know there are hundreds of others who loved and cared for Mr E.  They all have their own moments to cherish, moments they will recall and hold dear when they hear he is gone.

And I realized that our real obituary isn't what is printed in a newspaper. 

It's printed in the hearts of those who remember us.  All their memories, small and big: they are what we leave behind as the biography of our lives.

If this is true, then Mr E left behind a beautiful obituary.  I think it was rare that he came into contact with people and didn't share a piece of the wonderful person that he was.

Today, those who love him gather together, and I wish I could be there to say goodbye and offer hugs to his grieving family.  But since I couldn't, I wanted to commit these memories to black and white, making them part of Mr E's greater obituary.  The one that is written in our hearts.


See you later, alligator.
After 'while, crocodile.


March 12, 2012

Our Adoption Story: I Always Knew

Olivia came into our lives through adoption just a few short weeks ago.  I still feels like it must all be a dream.  She has filled our lives.



Every child has a birth story.  I have shared some amusing parts of my pregnancy with Paityn, and how her birth changed me forever

Olivia's birth story is beautiful, but it's not mine to share with the world.  But the story of how she came home to our family is.

This is our adoption story.

I have always wanted to adopt.  "Always" meaning since I was a young teenager.  I knew several families who had grown through adoption, and something about it resonated deep inside of my heart.  If I could tell you exactly what it is that touched me so, I would, but it's not any one thing.  It's the entirety.

Giving birth to Paityn was the singularly most beautiful moment of my life.  The minute I held her, I loved her fiercely and completely.  It was amazing to finally meet this little person who had been growing inside of me for all these months.  We looked at each other and just knew.  There was a moment of recognition and I knew that this little soul had been meant to be in my care.

But for a long time, I had known that there would be a another child meant for my arms who would not grow inside of me. 

Do you believe that there are some people who were meant to be together?  I do. 

And I don't think it's limited to romantic love.  I believe that friends can be meant to have found each other; my best friend and I truly complete each other.  And I simply can't imagine that all the crazy circumstances that brought Dan and I together were simply chance.  

In the same way, I believe that Paityn was meant for us.  Who else would have held her night after night, month after month, when she was a baby?  Who else would understand her fiery temper and know that someday, it will be valuable?  Who else would sympathize when she doesn't want to talk to anyone at school because of her shyness, but chatters my ear off as soon as I get home?

I just knew there was another child out there who needed us. 

After Paityn turned a year old, I started talking to Dan about adoption.  We knew it would be a long process.  But I knew that someday, there would be a baby that would need us just as much as Paityn does. 

Continue to the second part: Our Adoption Story: Lost in a Sea of Paperwork

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March 9, 2012

Five Minute Friday - Empty

It's been several weeks since I've blogged regularly, and I've missed participating in The Gypsy Mama's Five Minute Friday.  There's something so freeing about just writing for five minutes without editing, without worrying, and just letting the thoughts flow freely.

This week's prompt:  Empty...


There was an empty spot in our lives and you came and filled it, just as your big sister did when she was born.  




You answered a prayer for another baby to hold in our arms and our hearts.




You completed my long cherished dreams.  




You fulfilled a sweet wish for a little sister. 

You filled an empty spot in our lives and made it whole. We realized that all along, it was you that we had been waiting for.

A complete family.  Four lives changed forever.






March 8, 2012

The six week mark brings joy and sadness

This second time around with a newborn, I was determined to enjoy those first few fleeting and exhausting weeks more than I did the first time.  I knew more what to expect, and I know now that it does get better, but when it does, you realize you miss it. 

This time, I was going to enjoy the numbness that creeps into my arms during hour two of holding my daughter while she slept.

I was going to enjoy the late nights and sleepy mornings.

I was going to enjoy just looking at that precious face and soaking in the tiny changes that are so easy to miss.



I was going to enjoy not getting showers, making a lunch out of anything in a bag that takes less than 30 seconds to grab from the kitchen (pretzel chips became my go-to this time), and sitting on the couch for hours nursing and holding and catching up on tv shows and books.

I can honestly say I was quite successful and enjoyed every moment of my brief maternity leave.  I didn't stress over all that was un-done.  I made a conscious choice to take a break from blogging.  With the exception of doing some critical items and coming in for some meetings, I even managed to not stress too much about work (especially considering I had no warning time to prepare).  Actually, I really didn't do much of anything besides hold Olivia and spend some quality time with Paityn. 




This second time around, I feel like Dan and I know what to expect.  It makes it so much easier to sit back and truly enjoy the moments.  We know the house won't be clean, we know we will be eating a lot of takeout, and we know we will be exhausted.  But we also know that the days feel long but the years pass by quickly.

Yesterday was Olivia's six week birthday.  I  felt both joy and sadness.  Joy because she is growing more every day.  Sadness because it meant it was time for me to return to work.




It was so very hard to leave her (and Paityn, too, who has enjoyed having me home).  I hate to leave my girls, and my first day back was spent mostly wondering what they were each doing and eventually leaving early.




I had several co-workers ask about how much sleep I am (or am not) getting.  Again, I've already learned my lesson about talking to people about my baby's sleeping patterns.  So, I just said we are all doing fine.  

I didn't say that I'm looking forward to tonight, when I get to spend it holding my little Olivia after missing her all day.  She doesn't like to be put down at night.  So we don't put her down.  I know most people would think we are crazy for that, but I look at Paityn and wonder where two and a half years went and how she could possibly be so very big already.  

Paityn has taught me so very much about savoring the moments, even when they seem difficult and tiring.  She has taught me to hold on tightly while I can because there certainly comes a time when they are ready for you to let go.  (Psst- don't believe the people who say you can spoil a baby by holding her too much.  It's absolutely, completely, without a doubt impossible.  I wish it wasn't the case that eventually she won't want you to hold her anymore, but it does happen.  No matter how much you hold her.  So enjoy it while you can.)

Because before you know it, the long days have turned into short years.


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