Our Adoption Story: All along I believed I would find you...

Every breath, every hour has come to this

One step closer

Darling don't be afraid

I have loved you for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you

Time has brought your heart to me

I have loved you for a thousand years

I love you for a thousand more.

 ~Christina Perri "A Thousand Years"

The day that we met our daughter started like any other.

I have come to realize that the most important days don't tend to have very memorable starts.

It was the morning after we met the parents.  Dan and I were both just getting ready to leave for work when the phone rang.  Dan glanced down and told me, in a voice tense with expectation, that it was the father.

Simple words were exchanged, but they swept us into a whirlwind of flurried activity.  I was calmer the day I gave birth than I was at that moment. 

Feeling an intense need to do something, I dragged the container holding Paityn's old baby clothes from the closet.  I pawed around and pulled out a green gown, socks, and a hat.  I'm not even sure why at this moment I thought that was important, but it felt so at the time.  To bring something with me for the baby.

We had nothing ready.  This was nothing like when Paityn was born and I had planned and prepared for months.

It was pure excitement.  Total terror.  Hands shaking.  Hugs exchanged.

Then a long ride to the hospital that was not for me to give birth but to sit in a waiting room while time very slowly ticked away.  And so we sat and waited, wondering simple things like if the baby was a boy or a girl.  Dan said, "It's a beautiful day today.  I think it's going to be a girl."

The parents were truly gracious.  They have a maturity about them that never fails to astound me even as I get to know them better.  In the quiet of the long afternoon, we had a chance to get to know the father a little bit better.  He and Dan found common ground in their music tastes and passed the time talking about bands and music.  Yes, my polo shirt wearing software engineer loves his punk rock music.

We visited very briefly with the mother a couple times but tried very hard to respect her privacy at such an intimate moment.  We only visited when we were asked, being sure to make it quick. 

There was the swirling of conflicting emotions that comes with adoption.  On one hand, you are filled with excitement.  On the other, you have compassion on the parents and acknowledge the reality that this child belongs to them.  Joy.  Fear.  Guilt.  Excitement.  Sadness.

The hours passed.  Finally, at 5:01 pm, the mother gave birth to her baby. 

A nurse came to tell us the news, and we decided to wait to find out if the baby was a boy or a girl.  She told us the parents would like some time with the baby by themselves.

Of course.  We understood completely.  We had expected this, even told them to take some time; we did not want them to feel pressured by us.

Finally, the father came out to us.  He looked so proud.  And joyful.

We followed him back to the hospital room.  At first, we didn't even see her; she was so very quiet that we walked right by the bassinet.  Paityn was never that quiet!

But then there she was.  Perfect.  Whole.  Healthy.

A little girl with a pink hat covering a mass of dark hair.

I picked her up, exclaiming over how very tiny she was.  Featherlight in my arms.  Dan crowded around us and touched her lightly.

I didn't carry this little baby inside of me.  I didn't feel her grow day after day, thrilling to her first movements.  I didn't give birth to her or hear her first cry.  I hadn't even know she existed until six days previous.

And yet it would not have been possible for me to love her more than I did in that moment.  I looked at her and recognized her, as distinctly as I had with Paityn.

Yes, this was her.  I had prayed for her for years and years.  I had known that she would need me.  Not because she was not loved already.  Not because she belonged to me since she did not.  But just because she would need me to be her mama.  To love her.  To be her home.

My heart recognized her instantly.


For the conclusion: Our Adoption Story: Coming Home

Please stop back for the conclusion of our adoption story.  If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email or Reader.  It's easy!  Just enter your email address in the upper left for "Raising Paityn by Email"  or click "Subscribe with Reader."

If you would like to read a first mother's story, this is one that touched my heart.

Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?  

Our Adoption Story: I Always Knew...

Our Adoption Story: Lost in a Sea of Paperwork 
Our Adoption Story: Could this be our baby? 
Our Adoption Story: Chosen to be Parents 
Our Adoption Story:  Meeting the Parents