I loved my child more than words can explain, and I still do. I believe my love for him was the first real love I’d ever felt, because it was completely selfless...
Had I loved him any less—one ounce less—he would be with me now!
My love for him was the only thing that could enable me to break my own heart. I didn’t just feel love; I did what love dictated.
Have you ever been on a first date? You know that jittery feeling in your stomach, the wondering if this will work out, if the other person will like you? Now imagine going on a blind first date, which some of you may have done. All of those feelings are magnified.
Now imagine going on a blind first date with a couple whose baby you are hoping to adopt.
The emotions are insanely intense. On both sides.
I feel that I've been quite open with our story to this point, sharing our emotions and exactly what happened. This is where things are going to get a bit hazy. Almost like in Harry Potter (Spoiler Alert for the three people in the free world who haven't read the books or seen the movies) when Professor Slughorn messes with his own memory of Tom Riddle asking about horcruxes.
It's not my lack of willingness to tell the truth, but rather that I deeply respect the privacy of Olivia's first parents and will not be sharing any details regarding their personal story or their decision to place Olivia for adoption. Hence, the moments of haziness in my telling once they enter our lives. I hope you will understand and respect that choice.
Just to recap our crazy timeline, it was a Friday night in late January that our friend told us about Olivia's birth parents and their interest in adoption. That Sunday, I sent a letter and pictures to the birth parents through this friend. On Monday, I received an email from the mother saying they would like us to adopt Olivia.
This whirlwind brings us to Tuesday night and dinner with the parents.
Dan left work early and drove home to pick up Paityn, then came back to meet me. We were running a bit late (This is so typical of us, and I'd love to blame it on traffic or having children or some other almost reasonable excuse, but I can't. It's just us.) and when we arrived at the restaurant, the parents were already there.
The place was insanely crowded, and I hadn't made reservations. My thinking had been, "Who needs reservations on a Tuesday night at 6pm?" Think again.
I was rattled, they were gracious, and Dan suggested Red Robin.
Not exactly what I had pictured, but it was food and not a long line.
Paityn was thrilled because there was a person dressed as Red Robin when we walked in the door. My daughter loves anything in costume- the Easter Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus... Red Robin. She's initially as shy as can be around new people, but if you are wearing a ridiculous costume, then you can fully expect her to laugh, chatter, dance, hug, and generally adore you.
How I loved and appreciated having Paityn along! My little sunshine. She broke the ice for all of us. Or maybe just for me- I'm intensely shy. I know exactly where my daughter gets it from.
It wasn't even halfway through dinner before I was completely taken with the parents. There isn't a single positive trait that I can't apply to them: sweet, polite, considerate, caring, intelligent, mature. They are truly wonderful people.
Towards the end of dinner, they both said they liked us (we are still trying to figure exactly why) and Paityn (no question why on that one) and wanted us to adopt the baby.
It's not my lack of willingness to tell the truth, but rather that I deeply respect the privacy of Olivia's first parents and will not be sharing any details regarding their personal story or their decision to place Olivia for adoption. Hence, the moments of haziness in my telling once they enter our lives. I hope you will understand and respect that choice.
Just to recap our crazy timeline, it was a Friday night in late January that our friend told us about Olivia's birth parents and their interest in adoption. That Sunday, I sent a letter and pictures to the birth parents through this friend. On Monday, I received an email from the mother saying they would like us to adopt Olivia.
This whirlwind brings us to Tuesday night and dinner with the parents.
Dan left work early and drove home to pick up Paityn, then came back to meet me. We were running a bit late (This is so typical of us, and I'd love to blame it on traffic or having children or some other almost reasonable excuse, but I can't. It's just us.) and when we arrived at the restaurant, the parents were already there.
The place was insanely crowded, and I hadn't made reservations. My thinking had been, "Who needs reservations on a Tuesday night at 6pm?" Think again.
I was rattled, they were gracious, and Dan suggested Red Robin.
Not exactly what I had pictured, but it was food and not a long line.
Paityn was thrilled because there was a person dressed as Red Robin when we walked in the door. My daughter loves anything in costume- the Easter Bunny, Mickey Mouse, Santa Claus... Red Robin. She's initially as shy as can be around new people, but if you are wearing a ridiculous costume, then you can fully expect her to laugh, chatter, dance, hug, and generally adore you.
How I loved and appreciated having Paityn along! My little sunshine. She broke the ice for all of us. Or maybe just for me- I'm intensely shy. I know exactly where my daughter gets it from.
It wasn't even halfway through dinner before I was completely taken with the parents. There isn't a single positive trait that I can't apply to them: sweet, polite, considerate, caring, intelligent, mature. They are truly wonderful people.
Towards the end of dinner, they both said they liked us (we are still trying to figure exactly why) and Paityn (no question why on that one) and wanted us to adopt the baby.
This has been a difficult post to write. There's so much more to this part of the story, but you will have to fill in those spaces with your imagination.
We walked away that night excited and eager. But we were also at the beginning of the difficult part of adoption, one that we hadn't anticipated. We really, truly liked the parents, and our hearts broke for the difficult decision they were making. Again, no specifics, but it was not a decision made lightly or easily.
Honestly, I wanted to change their circumstances for them. I still wish that I could have. Adoption is not, I think, the best choice. It's simply a choice. And one that must sometimes be made depending on difficult life circumstances.
Having given birth myself, I know the rush of love that comes with setting your eyes on your child for the first time. I know that holding a baby in your arms instead of your tummy turns a dream into a reality.
I was not worried that the parents might change their minds (although we accepted that fear) but that they didn't understand the depths of emotion they would feel when it happened.
I deeply resent the people who have said, about parents, "I can't imagine ever giving away my child."
The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine. The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go. This instinct isn't really the love itself but rather our own heart's selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.
But first parents can often understand that truly loving someone can sometimes mean letting go. It can sometimes mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.
It is utter selflessness. It is true courage. It is pure love.
Olivia's first parents understand love, possibly a deeper and greater version of it then most of us will ever realize.
Continue reading: Our Adoption Story: All along I believed I would find you...
We walked away that night excited and eager. But we were also at the beginning of the difficult part of adoption, one that we hadn't anticipated. We really, truly liked the parents, and our hearts broke for the difficult decision they were making. Again, no specifics, but it was not a decision made lightly or easily.
Honestly, I wanted to change their circumstances for them. I still wish that I could have. Adoption is not, I think, the best choice. It's simply a choice. And one that must sometimes be made depending on difficult life circumstances.
Having given birth myself, I know the rush of love that comes with setting your eyes on your child for the first time. I know that holding a baby in your arms instead of your tummy turns a dream into a reality.
I was not worried that the parents might change their minds (although we accepted that fear) but that they didn't understand the depths of emotion they would feel when it happened.
I deeply resent the people who have said, about parents, "I can't imagine ever giving away my child."
The pain involved in the choice to place (not give away) your child for adoption is one most of us cannot imagine. The reason it is painful is because when we love someone, our instinct is to hold tight and never let go. This instinct isn't really the love itself but rather our own heart's selfish desire to protect itself from the pain of loss.
But first parents can often understand that truly loving someone can sometimes mean letting go. It can sometimes mean wanting more for your child than you feel you can give.
It is utter selflessness. It is true courage. It is pure love.
Olivia's first parents understand love, possibly a deeper and greater version of it then most of us will ever realize.
Continue reading: Our Adoption Story: All along I believed I would find you...
Please stop back for the rest of our adoption story. If you don't want to miss it, you can have new posts from Raising Paityn delivered to your email or Reader. It's easy! Just enter your email address in the upper left for "Raising Paityn by Email" or click "Subscribe with Reader."
If you would like to read a first mother's story, this is one that touched my heart.
If you would like to read a first mother's story, this is one that touched my heart.
Did you miss the beginning of Our Adoption Story?
Tiffany, you SO, SO, SO get open adoption. I am so proud to know you. The love of the birth parents of one's child is so absolutely special. Thank you for sharing your story. Big hug to you for the good work you are doing in helping to educate others on the process!
ReplyDeleteThanks for continuing to share your heart and story. It's so beautiful and reminds me what true love really is. Looking forward to your next post.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Mandi, for all your sweet comments on my posts in this series. I appreciate it very much.
ReplyDeleteThank you, Nan, for your kind words, and for stopping by and reading. (I miss seeing you!)
ReplyDeleteOur daughter will never have the chance to know her birth parents, but this is exactly what we tell her all the time. Your mom knew she couldn't keep you. Though we don't know why, we do know she must love you deeply to have left you in the safest place she could -- the doorstep of the hospital. I want my daughter to know that she is precious to not just one mommy, but two.
ReplyDeleteI just found your blog and I wanted to let you know that you are one of the first people who put something into words that I have never been able to put into words since I placed my daughter almost 7 years ago. If it is okay with you I would love to use parts of this post for a upcoming post. You can find my blog at http://theworldasiseeitbloganddesigns.com
ReplyDeleteIt's certainly not true in all cases that an adopted child with know her birth parents. We are very blessed. It's wonderful that you want to impress upon your daughter that she was loved by her birth mother.
ReplyDeleteHi Margaret, thanks for your kind words. If you quote the content (and include me as the author) and link back to this post, then yes, that's fine.
ReplyDeleteFor sure I would give you all the credit. Thanks for letting me use it. I will send you the url once the post is up.
ReplyDeleteThanks again!
I really enjoyed reading over your adoption story! Happy SITS day!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for stopping by! I'm glad you enjoyed it. It's definitely a special story for us.
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