Top Ten Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy

I'm joining in with Oh Amanda's Top Ten Tuesday to share my Top Ten Things They Don't Tell You About Pregnancy.

10.  You gain weight.

Yeah, yeah, I know that seems pretty obvious, but before you roll your eyes at me, think about it.  I'm talking a serious amount of weight gain in a very short time, mostly sticking straight out in front of you.  At one point, I gained 7 pounds in one week!  Seven!  Do you know what that does to your center of balance?

Not to mention your butt?

Well, I do, but I'm sparing you that picture.

And on a post-pregnancy note, that whole "Nine months on, nine months off?"  So not true. 

9.  All those pictures of pregnant women trotting around looking so cute in their rounded bellies and high heels?  At some point, most pregnant women are lucky to fit into any shoes.

Hence, the Uggs on the beach.

8.  "Morning sickness" was given its name by a man.  I'm convinced.   It's all day and all night, all the time, never ending sickness.

And by the way, I wish they wouldn't keep telling you that it goes away after the first trimester. It doesn't.  They lied.

7.  Forget food cravings, it's the food aversions that should get the attention.  For nine months, just the thought of chicken made me physically nauseated.... okay, well, more nauseated than I already was. 

6.  You will feel more tired than you ever have at any point in your life.  (Of course, that's because you haven't had the baby yet, but that's for another list.)

Growing a person is a lot of hard work, and it's very tiring.  That's why you can't stop passing out on the couch 10 minutes into the 8:00 comedy block on NBC.

It's ok.  Really.  Sleep now while you still can because...

5.   Eventually, you won't be able to.  Midway through your second trimester, sleep becomes difficult.  The only comfortable position is like this:

But after so long, you start to get really sore, and you wonder if maybe, just maybe, you could possibly pile enough pillows under and around you to sleep on your belly.  Don't bother trying.  It doesn't work. I know.  I tried.

Anyways, even if it did work, as soon as you got comfortable, you'd have to get up to pee.  Every hour. 

Or else, your baby will be dancing and playing.

Or, you will wake up with the worst charlie horse you have ever experienced in your entire life.

4.  Remember number 9?  About not fitting into normal shoes?  As your pregnancy goes along, you may become increasingly swollen.  Probably not as swollen as me.  And probably not starting in the fourth month, like me.  I don't think anyone can be as swollen as I was without exploding.  I often worried I might.  The water I was retaining could have swept away a small village.

I was graced with the nickname "Shrek" by one of my co-workers.  The following picture might enlighten you as to the cause of that endearing nickname.  I warn you- the following is not for the faint of heart.  I would also like to say that this is actually on a good day.  I was frequently more swollen, but I just can't bring myself to share those pictures.

Yes, I do believe the ground shook slightly as I walked.

But please notice the lovely pedicure job, which leads into number three.

3. You don't appreciate your waist until you lose it.  It serves a very valuable function, allowing you to bend and reach things, like your toenails to paint them, or the pen you dropped at work, or to get up from a seat.

See, no waist.  I missed my waist.

I did like having an excuse to get pedicures, though.

2. Walking eventually becomes impossible, whereupon, you develop the pregnancy waddle.  And your husband, if he's anything like mine, will tease you mercilessly.  He'll taunt you just out of swattable reach, and it will be far too much effort to try to get closer, and besides, you'll just have to waddle to do it, and that will start it all up again.

Hopefully, unlike me, you will not be forced to develop the pregnancy waddle during your fifth month.  Or endure all your male co-workers simultaneously teasing you for it and telling you how cute it really is.

1.  Everyone tells you, but you can't ever really know how incredibly amazing it is to hold your newborn baby in your arms the moment after birth.  Words can't begin to describe it.  It makes every discomfort of the previous nine months and the pain of labor all completely worth it.  Without a doubt.  They pale in comparison to the magic that is your baby- the little person you created and grew and nutured.

It's amazing.

And you realize none of the other nine things matter in the least.  

You have your little love.  A piece of you.